Hair Cuttery

The Setting
The conference room at Trahan, Burden & Charles Advertising in Baltimore.

In Attendance
The ad agency's creative director, Allan Charles and VP, Howe Burch; Enid Traub, VP of marketing for Ratner Cos and Diane Daly, director of PR. Several junior account executives and media buyers are seated at the end of the table with instructions not to speak.

The Topic
Now that TBC has won the account away from Adworks after a 12-year run, it's time to put television advertising into the mix. The agency is unveiling their creative for the campaign.

The Conversation
Burch: Enid, Diane - thank you for making the drive to Baltimore today. We're very excited about the new television commercial we've prepared for you.

Traub: I'm expecting to be blown away.

Charles: OK...it's very simple. We have this young, twenty-something girl wearing a slinky black dress dancing on a rooftop.

Traub: How does this sell hair cuts?

Charles: Well, you see, she's really, really skinny. And pale. It looks like she probably uses drugs instead of eating.

Burch: You see, he's really, how do you say it, hip and groovy?

Daly: Uh, no, I think those terms are a bit passe.

Charles: And she has some odd tattoo on her shoulder, so we know she's really a modern, urban contemporary type. And on the roof there are all sorts of paintings and art - really modern stuff, so people know Hair Cuttery is modern.

Traub: But, again, how does this sell hair cuts?

Charles: OK, she's dancing to some music - I'll tell you want in a minute because it's really the key to the campaign - and her hair is totally bleached blonde and all different lengths and falling into her face. It looks like someone just hacked at her head with a pair of scissors with no concern for how it would turn out!

Burch: Don't you love it?

Daly: But....

Charles: Now get this...we do a lot of jump cuts and go back and forth from color to black and white. This way everyone will completely buy-in to how cool Hair Cuttery is. But the real kicker . . . the song she is dancing to is . . .

Daly: I think I might have a hard time explaining this to the press.

Burch: Hot Child in the City!

No one responds.

Charles: You know, Nick Gilder's song from 1978? (singing) hot child in the city...dum dumdum...looking pretty...dum dum dum..

Daly: 1978? Nick Gilder? Are our customers going to...?

Burch: Come on...don't you get it? "Looking pretty"? Anorexic drug addict girl dancing on the roof with art all around her. Black dress and tattoo? Jump cuts? Tousled hair in her face?

Long pause.

Traub: I like it!

Halls

The Setting
The marketing conference room at Cadbury Adams world headquarters in Parsippany, NJ.

In Attendance
The ad agency's account executive; the VP of marketing and all four marketing managers for Halls Cough Drops.

The Topic
The new television commercial being proposed by the ad agency.

The Conversation
Account Executive: You're going to love this. It's so cool!

VP: Go ahead.

Account Executive: OK, there's this really cool guy - around 30 - he hasn't shaved in a couple of days, so we know he's really, really cool. Oh, and we pull out most of the color so it looks like a really hip music video or something. It's artsy if there's not much color.

Marketing Manager for Halls Defense: The kids will like that! MTV-ish.

Account Executive: OK, our hip guy is getting into an elevator. He's the only one. Then when the door starts to close, some big, obnoxious plumber-type barges into the elevator. Our guy looks really annoyed.

Marketing Manager for Halls Breezers: I hate it when that happens!

Account Executive: The door starts to close, and somebody sticks their foot in the door and another person comes in - a really fat old woman. She's wearing really ugly shoes. The guy rolls his eyes and just then another guy pushes his way in - probably an ethnic type.

VP: Not too ethnic, OK? They don't use our products.

Account Executive: No problem. Then our guy reaches into his pocket and pull out a package of Halls.

Marketing Manager for Halls Naturals: What kind?

Account Executive: Uh, kind of generic I guess.

The Marketing Managers all grumble a bit.

Account Executive: He pops the Halls into his mouth and we do this little animation of the fumes...

VP: ...soothing vapors...

Account Executive: Oh, sorry. The "soothing vapors" go up into his nose and them WHAM!

Marketing Manager for Halls Originals: What?

Account Executive: All of the annoying people get flattened against the walls of the elevator. Literally. We do this cool effect where we make them into pancakes.

VP: Like a Road Runner cartoon? When the coyote gets run over by a steam roller?

Account Executive: Exactly! Then the doors open and our guy walks out. We say something memorable about the soothing vapors and end with someone slowly peeling off the wall.

Marketing Manager for Halls Originals: Did he have a cough or a cold?

Account Executive: No.

VP: Well, we're a cough drop company. People take our product when they have a sore throat or stuffy nose.

Account Executive: That's the beauty of this! We're going to send sales through the roof because you don't have to be sick to use Halls any more! If you're cool and in a crowded elevator - take a Halls!

The VP doesn't seem too happy, but the Marketing Managers whisper excitedly among each other.

Marketing Managers (in unison): I like it!

Claritin

The Setting
The marketing conference room at Schering-Plough HealthCare Products main office in beautiful Kenilworth, NJ.

In Attendance
The ad agency's account executive and account supervisor; the VP of marketing and two of six marketing managers for Claritin Allergy Products.

The Topic
The ongoing effort to combat the dominance of Zyrtec in the marketplace.

The Conversation
Account Executive: OK, we all know Zyrtec is kicking our butt and their campaign about how their product starts acting two hours faster than ours is killing our sales.

Account Supervisor: So we've determined that we need to take advantage of the fact that Claritin is inherently weaker and less effective - but also, the FTC didn't require us to put a warning on the label about potential drowsiness.

VP: Yeah, the lawyers really came through on that one.

Account Executive: So this is the idea for the next commercial. We're going to have people at work and play - a cop on horseback, someone in a park, for example - and there's going to be a big sign on their backs that says, "may cause drowsiness."

Account Supervisor: Sort of like a "kick me" sign. It'll make people that use Zyrtec look like total assholes.

Marketing Manager #1: Well, I'm not sure that anybody will get that...

Account Supervisor: Sure they will. Especially since we'll really slam Zyrtec and make it sound like it's going to totally knock you out. We'll make it sound seriously dangerous. Like you're going to die if you take it instead of Claritin.

VP: Can we say that?

Account Supervisor: No, but the people we show who use Claritin instead of Zyrtec will be really nice looking, happy, young people so the identity factor will be extremely high. We'll make sure we use a young girl that is MUCH better looking than that cow with the cat in the Zyrtec spot. And we'll be sure to use the old "Claritin clear" peel-away effect that you all like so much.

Marketing Manager #2: I don't know if I have a good feeling about this.

Account Executive: Well, would a couple of tickets to Sunday's Jets game help? Of course if you can't use them....

Marketing Manager#2: Uh, I meant to say this spot is looking really good. Very hard-hitting!

Account Executive: OK, then, two mil for production?

VP: Wow...I wasn't expecting....

Just then the cell phone of the Account Supervisor rings. He puts it on speaker.

Account Supervisor: Fred? That you?

Fred Hassen, CEO of Schering-Plough: Kick Zyrtec's ass you guys!

Account Supervisor: Yeah, Fred, we just presented the spot I told you about. You know, with the "kick me" signs on the backs of Zyrtec users?

Fred Hassen: I like it!

American Express

The Setting
The marketing conference room at American Express HQ.

In Attendance
The ad agency's account executive and copy chief; the VP of marketing and three marketing managers for American Express Card Services

The Topic
The ongoing effort to position "The Card" against everyone else who uses a credit card for business.

The Conversation
Account Executive: I think our strategy of being over-the-top in criticizing anyone in the world of business who doesn't use an American Express Card is working extremely well.

VP: Really...OK, what's next.

Copy Chief: This is a good one. It'll really resonate with the business crowd.

Marketing Manager #1: I'm excited!

Copy Chief: We're in a restaurant, probably somewhere in the U.S., but it could be anywhere. There are five people at the table. The typical, white American business guy who is in way over his head, and his partner, who is kind of an ethnic - maybe Indian - woman. Not sexy at all. Very professional. And three, uh, Germans, I guess. A woman who could have played a prison camp matron in any Nazi war film, a young guy with a goatee and an older, smallish guy who smiles a lot.

Marketing Manager #2: Very stereotypical. Good. We don't want to make people think.

Copy Chief: They conclude some deal - in English - and then the white guy pulls out his credit card to pay for the meal. Get this - it's got a picture of a superhero on it!

(Everyone laughs.)

Copy Chief: After a long pause, all the German people prove that they are still basically the rudest people on the planet by talking in German. They rip the guy apart for trying to pay for their lunch with a credit card that isn't an American Express Card. We use sub-titles to show the creepy things they are saying about him. He just smiles and acts stupid. Then the Germans get up and leave, obviously now wanting to cancel the big deal they just approved a few minutes ago.

Marketing Manager #1: Does that make sense?

Account Executive: Who cares. They're Germans. They still hate us and we still hate them, right?

Copy Chief: The guy's partner knows what just happened and pulls out her American Express Card to pay for the lunch instead.

VP: But, aren't the Germans gone now? How do they know their lunch is now getting paid for with an American Express Card.

(Long pause.)

Account Executive: We'll work that out somehow. Anyway, she saves the day and now everything is OK again.

Marketing Manager #3: I have to say, this is really lame. Rude Germans? Replacing the card after it doesn't matter any more. Making the white American guy to total dolt...It's really not a very well thought out idea.

(Another long pause.)

VP: I like it!

Glade

The Setting
The advertising conference room at SC Johnson's headquarters in Racine, Wisconsin.

In Attendance
The ad agency's account executive and creative director; the director of marketing and marketing manager for Glade products; Fisk Johnson in attendance via phone.

The Topic
The next Glade television commercial in the series known internally as "The Hot Mom."

The Conversation
Account Executive: I think the campaign is going extremely well, don't you?

Director of Marketing: Well, we are getting a lot of mail from people wondering what strange psychology is as work in this woman's mind that makes her not want anyone to know she buys Glade products.

Account Executive: Hey, any publicity is good publicity, right?

Marketing Manager: Well, I'm not sold that we want our customers ashamed of buying our products.

Account Executive: Oh, that's not it at all! This is reverse psychology at its finest!

Creative Director: We know what we're doing.

Marketing Manager: Well, OK...I guess.

Account Executive: Here's the latest. The Hot Mom is in the kitchen making gingerbread man cookies. There's a Glade candle on the countertop next to the plate of cookies. In walk two of her friends and one immediately says something about the wonderful smell of gingerbread in the room.

Director of Marketing: Good. Mention of a product benefit right off.

Creative Director: No, you don't get it. One of the gingerbread men starts to talk and says it's not their smell, but the candle.

Director of Marketing: Uh, a talking gingerbread man?

Creative Director: Shrek...didn't you see Shrek?

Account Executive: But - get this - the Hot Mom picks up the gingerbread man and bites his head off - literally! CHOMP!

Director of Marketing: Isn't that a bit, uh, barbaric?

Creative Director: NO! Please stay with us here. We hear a little muffled sound (mmmmmm) and we have succeeded AGAIN in fooling the visitors into thinking the odor is from the cookies and NOT the candle!

Marketing Manager: But don't we want people to know it's the candle?

Creative Director: Jeez...don't you people understand ANYTHING about advertising?
He throws his script across the room.

Account Executive: Then we do a little product spiel followed by the Hot Mom doing her usual, "and yes, it's Glade" line. Just so everyone is sure.

The Director of Marketing and Marketing Manager look at each other, not really knowing what to say about such a horrendous idea. But since there are already several other television commercials in rotation that have similar lame approaches to selling Glade products, they aren't sure what to say or do. All eyes turn to the telephone speaker in the center of the room.

Fisk Johnson: I like it!

Alka-Seltzer Plus

The Setting
The conference room near the Marketing Department at Bayer.

In Attendance
Several ad agency creatives; the director of marketing for Alka-Seltzer products; and a couple of marketing managers for Bayer HealthCare.

The Topic
The seasonal advertising campaign for Alka-Seltzer's line of Plus cold-relief products.

The Conversation
Account Executive: We decided to keep the campaign simple. Straight to the point. And very economical. Here's the idea.

Copy Chief: OK, we have a 34-44 year old woman standing in a pure white studio. She looks like she might have a cold. There's a glass of water on the floor. She zips open a pack of Alka-Seltzer Plus...

Marketing Manager: Mucus & Congestion, Cold or Cold & Cough?

Copy Chief: Uh, Cold...She drops the tablets in the water and then she jumps up into the air and we do this little visual effect when she sort of shrinks in size and comes down inside the glass.

Marketing Director: She shrinks and lands inside the glass?

Copy Chief: Yeah, and there's a little splash and bubbles all around her.

Marketing Director: Hmmm...OK.

Copy Chief: Then we do this weird shot of her face and it's obvious she's under water. She has that strange look, you know, when you open your eyes under water how it makes you look sort of strange? Maybe some bubbles come out of her nose.

Marketing Manager: Why?

Account Executive: Because...get this...she's "liquidating" her cold? Get it? And we use the line, "Immerse yourself in total cold relief!"

Marketing Manager: And then?

Copy Chief: She does this sort of spin and then lands back in the studio, but now she's feeling much better and her cold is gone! Oh, and magically her clothes aren't wet.

Account Executive: And we have her say, "Ahhhh" - like she's much better now.

The Bayer folks look at each other for a long time, trying to make sense of how this will look and what reaction people will have to something so moronic.

Marketing Director: I like it!

Chevy Traverse

The Setting
The third-floor conference room at Chevrolet Headquarters.

In Attendance
The creative team from mega-advertising agency Campbell Eward; the vice president of advertising for Chevy; several marketing managers; and a paralegal from Chevy's corporate legal department.

The Topic
The new multi-million-dollar advertising campaign for Chevy's new Traverse "crossover" vehicle.

The Conversation
Adman: OK, here's the idea. You're gonna love this. A 25-34 year old woman is driving down a city street in her new Chevy Traverse, silver. Suddenly some really nice shoes falls on her windshield! WOW! Shocking! Unexpected!

VP: Shoes?

Adman: Yeah, how incredibly attention-grabbing, huh? Women's shoes. Expensive ones! So she gets out of the silver Chevy Traverse and there's lots and lots of shoes falling from the sky. Like it's raining!

VP: Raining shoes?

Adman: Yeah, and then the announcer says...

Copywriter: A sudden downpour of shoes.

Adman: And then we cut to a guy eating a hotdog and he shakes his head while the woman starts grabbing shoes and throwing them into the back of her Traverse.

VP: I'm not sure I'm....

Adman: No, wait. Then the announcer says...

Copywriter: And best in class cargo room.

Adman: You see, she's able to put a LOT of shoes in the back of the Traverse, so we show just how much it will hold.

VP: How many...shoes it will hold.

Adman: Yeah!

Manager: Uh, how does she know the shoes are her size?

Adman: Um, well, it doesn't matter. They'll ALL her size!

Manager: Or that she's grabbing matching pairs?

Adman: No, you see, this is every woman's fantasy. A car full of FREE shoes. If she didn't own a Traverse, this would never happen.

VP: So we're selling the Traverse, an 8-passenger vehicle, to single women who want to own a lot of shoes?

Adman: Yes! Brilliant, right?

VP: And when are we going to run this ad in order to reach these shoe-loving women?

Media Director: During the World Series!

There is a long pause as the Chevy people look back and forth at one another. The agency people sit quietly with broad, fake, plastered smiles on their faces. Eventually all eyes go to the VP, who sits back in his chair and says:

VP: I like it!